The nut of anxiety against the fruit of peace.

I started this blog because I’m not perfect. As a Christian I know I will never be perfect. I am not here to judge or preach. I just want to encourage others letting you know that you are not alone. That we all struggle with emotions at times.

This week I have struggled. The thing with depression & anxiety is it sneaks up on you. You know you are loved, you trust God completely for every situation and know that he won’t let you down.

But as your standing on your rock, your firm foundation, fully clothed in your armour of God. Your eyes are focused on deflecting all arrows. The wind of destruction is gale force 7 around you,  while swaying your eyes are still on the cross.

Depression and anxiety move in. They are sneaky, they know your already focusing on too much and sneak in under your the radar, while your balance is wobbling.

They start whispering in your ear. Making you compare yourself to others. Telling you, your no good. You turn off, try not to listen, then they go for the kill. They use someone else to hit the final blow. In my case this happened at work. Anger rises you lose your cool. You get upset you have failed again.

There’s too much noise in your head, static, lies, anxiety and stress. Depression then kicks the ball into the goal. 1- nil and your not on the winning side.

This is where I start to feel I’m going nuts, off kilter, unbalanced, useless and unhappy. I start to listen to the lies

Worship music is helping but it’s not breaking the chain. It’s sticking a plaster on the pain.

I pray for the spirit it seems so far. I need your fruit that covers this all. More love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. It feels so far away.

In the UK we are still church online. Even though I am not the most social of people, I am starting to miss the church family connection in person, hugs and praying together. We do this online but it’s not quite the same.

I struggle through worship, the sermon I’m a mess. Mainly in tears, praying, repenting desperate for a touch.

The sermon is over, barely heard a word! (I will go back and listen) The thing about our church is though that we communicate during the service and words are read out at the end.

Someone sent in a word today, for someone that needs a difficult conversation at work and that is anxious about this. God’s favour is on you. This sounds like me. Only time will tell. However I lean into God and something happens, something that I have struggled with all week.

Peace.

Peace is with me. God is with me. God is good. The battle may not be over but it is now going in the right direction. Peace is getting stronger and flowing.

May God help you find peace today.

Dear Jesus,
You are our rock.
The world seems crazy at the moment,like every thing is bonkers.
Please stay close with your Sprit, and let your fruit grow within us.
Let us be your beacon of light and listen only to you.
Steady us when we wobble and stray and keep our eyes only on you.
Amen.

Do not let your spark go out.

Do you ever feel really on top of the world one minute. Everything is under control. Everything is happy, then all of a sudden it’s like someone came over and blew out the flame that was burning within you. Whoosh all life has drained from you and you can’t seen to get the flame to re-ignite. There is absolutely no reason why you feel the way you do.

You just sit there going through the motions, overthinking every little thing. I shouldn’t of done that and have I upset them. I’ve messed up again. A tsunami of anxiousness comes flooding over you, drowning your peace and wiping away all reason and clarity.

A crowded mind leaves no space for a peaceful heart.

Christine Evangelou

The truth is you most probably haven’t done anything. Your perception filter has just stopped working. It is easy to get caught up in the wave, desperately clinging onto a branch of safety rather than seeing the truth.

While thinking about what to do to snap me out of this mood, like going for a walk and eating ice cream or sitting down with God and doing some writing. It made me think. Not over think, but reflectively think.

Do I do this to the Holy Spirit all the time? As soon the Holy Spirit and I build up a relationship from a spark into a fire do I come along and quench it? When I get anxious about what I need to do, am I pouring water onto the fire, making it sizzle and smoke? When I say a nasty thing about someone or something do I just have embers smouldering? Am I endangering putting out the fire for good.

Do not quench the Sprit

1 Thessalonians 5:19

Most mature Christians know we grieve the Spirit and the flame within us does sometimes fizzle and crackle. 1 Thessalonians gives us a warning not to let the fire be quenched. We need to learn to manage these moments of anxiousness and unreason and not let the tsunami of doubt quench our spirit.

In these times I would urge you to pray and do something you enjoy doing with God. Whether this is eating unicorn ice cream (Oh yes I did), walking, gardening or worshiping.

Let God rekindle your spirit immediately. Maybe he is using the time to draw closer.